BAY OF WAR PIGS! A MAN... A PLAN? Ever since he was a diaper-shitting punk, yer old pal Jerky has always enjoyed a good game of connect-the-dots. Now, thanks to Preznit Dubya and the criminals his daddy told him to return to positions of power in government, connecting the dots has never been easier. Only now, we don't have to do it with paper and pencil anymore. Now we can do it with this generation's very own Guatemala! Or our very own Chile! Or Argentina! Or Nicaragua! Or Peru! Or, actually, considering the failure element... our very own Bay of Pigs. Yes, that's right, folks. If the information we're receiving is correct, there can be no other explanation: In a fit of nostalgic pique, after just over a year of being back in charge, the all-too-familiar "adults" who are stage-managing the Bush administration have managed to bring back those heady days when the CIA and other government agents acting in an extra-constitutional manner were able to back military overthrows of democratically elected governments in Central and South America, with almost total impunity! Can mass jungle graves, an influx of cheap cocaine, and an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical be far behind? But back to the original trope of this editorial: Connect-the-dots. Either by neglect, by design, or by some weird combination of the two, it seems we can't trust the mainstream media to supply us with the unexpurgated, unvarnished truth about what happened in Venezuela last week. From CNN to FoxNews to the Washington Post to the New York Times, the news consumer is either being fed regurgitated slop from the State department, or else he's being splashed with dribs and drabs of amputated information - divorced from context - and left to come to his own conclusions… in effect, connect-the-dots. Here are some more isolated tidbits yer old pal Jerky has found over the last few days. Some are intriguing. Some may only be coincidence. But the thing all these stories and links have in common is that they all add depth and color, helping to flesh out the "big picture" which, at this time, remains rather skeletal. Before delving into the ephemera below, however, you might want to familiarize yourselves with the general facts surrounding the abortive, 48-hour Venezuelan "businessman's coup" by reading this story, as well as this nightmarish, Orwellian State Department press release. Now, on to the DOTS! Did you know that the San Francisco Examiner basically predicted this coup would happen in the December 28, 2001 edition of their paper? Thank Zeus for internet archiving! Fascinating stuff… and it's nice to know that sometimes 20/20 vision doesn't have to involve hindsight! Did you know that, upon his return to power, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez hand-picked one of his loyal generals to help lead the government and ease fears amongst any of the generals who may have supported the coup effort against him? Did you know that general's helicopter crashed on the weekend, killing him and four others? Did you know that many of the generals involved in the attempt to oust Chavez were trained by the CIA, at their notorious torture-and-murder institute: the School of the Americas… on American soil? Did you know that Preznit Dubya's Daddy - former President GHWB - was in Venezuela on a fishing trip this January? It's true! I'll get you the link tomorrow! Did you know that, on top of the fact that our government's vocal support for the toppling of a democratically elected government has pissed off our neighbors to the South of us, it's also really pissed off Canada, to the North of us? One scribe writes: "National Security Advisor Condoleeza Rice said she hoped Chavez had learned his lesson. Presumably, he has. So have we all. Bush wants the world's energy. As much as the events of Sept. 11, this is what drives U.S policy." Kinda spot-on, eh? We'll keep you up to date, providing you with more info as we get it! Cheers, YOPJ

ON THESE DAYS April 20 HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ADOLPH HITLER! The disgraced Nazi dictator is celebrating his one hundred and thirteenth birthday this weekend, partying down deep in the steamy jungles of South America. Expected to attend the exclusive festivities: long-time supporter Pat Buchanan, Chilean strongman Augusto Pinochet and his date Margaret Thatcher, and former President George Herbert Walker Bush (it's a family thing). April 21 On this day in the year 1986, intrepid sleuth Geraldo Rivera cracks open Al Capone's vault on national TV and finds ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, forever cementing the nation’s opinion of him as a first-class boob, eyeglasses and Afghan excursion notwithstanding. April 22 People tell me today is supposed to be EARTH DAY. So make some time to go sit in the dirt and slap some bongos with a toad-licking hippy or something. Earth Day... whoopdie-fuckin-shit.

QUOTES! "One might have an idea of the physical likeness between Arabs and Israelis by examining this week's Newsweek cover on which an 18-year-old female Palestinian suicide bomber and her 17-year-old female Israeli victim could pass for twins." - Excerpted from a letter to the editor sent to the Harvard Crimson by Star Wars actress Natalie Portman, of all people. So she's got brains as well as beauty! Too bad she has to make such shitty movies. *** *** *** "Look Up! Connect the Dots. Follow the Patents. Smell the Air. Taste the Water. Control the Spin. Tell Everyone. The Truth is Copyright Free." - If detailed discussion of the chemtrail phenomenon causes you to experience an increase in your heart rate, rapid breathing, cold sweats and intense anxiety - like yer old pal Jerky - then maybe you should read THIS ARTICLE.

JOKES Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal Stan... A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?" And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy black wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?" She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a phuck!" *** *** *** Today's second joke was sent in by our old pal Henry Bent... At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. "Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. "So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb asshole' is it?" Again the little boy nodded. "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's worst joke was sent in by Tim Witschey. Three amish dudes who were all getting up in age decided to go to a city doctor for a checkup. Afterwards they all met at a park bench to discuss their experiences. The first amish man says "My doctor felt my testicles and told me to cough. I've never been so humiliated in all my life." The second says "Oh that's nothin'. Mine told me to get naked, bend over and he put two fingers in my behind. Now that was humiliating." After a moment went by the first two looked at the third and asked what happened at his doctor's visit. He just sighed and said "He pulled my foreskin back and goat shit fell out."

JERKY KNOWS! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Dear Jerky, I was just thinking. You know how Japanese television and videos show some of the nastiest or most violent shit from the darkest regions of the mind, yet the society as a whole has a very low crime rate. Well, for whatever reason I likened it to the treatment in A Clockwork Orange. Do you think there's something to that: where Japan has a low crime rate because they can explore all the scary shit in the safety of the small screen? Therefore, they can see how nasty and shitty violence can be to one's fellow man. Whereas, here in the States, we suppress all thoughts from the darkest, scariest places of the mind until a person explodes and all that is released in real-life on another human being. Do you think this is a valid train of thought? Signed: Richard Fitztightly Well Rich, let me just say that I think there's a nugget of a kernal of a germ of a good idea in what you've written. However, I think your understanding of what was going on in those Clockwork Orange neuro-programming scenes is flawed, to say the least. Also, we should always keep in mind the fact that no specific cultural propensity exists in a vacuum, independant from other cultural propensities. For all we know, the legendary rareness of violent crime among the Japanese might have nothing to do with their obsessive love of violent cartoon rape porn, wherein panty-flashing schoolgirls are torn limb from limb by demons with cocks the size of kaber logs. No, Rich, until we figure out what it is, exactly, that makes the Japanese people so morally superior to us North Americans, we have nothing to gain by opening the floodgates and dumping all that anime and magna mayhem into the unsuspecting mainstream of bovine America. Something tells yer old pal Jerky Mom and Pop aren't quite ready for bukkake, the Guinea Pig film series, or vending machines that dispense soiled underwear to the discriminating masses. On the other hand, I do agree that we all, as a people, need to be moving closer to the Japanese way of living. We should probably start out slow, perhaps by opening up a chain of sushi-serving pachinko parlors and forcing every kid in public school to learn the ancient Okinawan martial art of "karate."

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. Today’s Topic: DUDE, YOU'RE NOT GETTIN' A DELL! I am writing this because I feel every firearms owner should know this story. I placed an order for a Dell notebook computer on February 13 on line with Dell. I was given a tentative delivery date of February 21st. I was watching the order through the Dell on line tracking system; I also opted for the automatic email notification of when the machine was to be shipped. Well the 21st came and went, I am a Pistolsmith I know things can happen. I made a phone call on the 25th, did a voice mail message for my salesman to get back to me and I was looking for the delivery date. The 25th came and went with no call back. On the 26th I placed another call this time to cancel the order. After a few hours I got a call back, with this amazing reason for the delay. It seems someone in Dell had already canceled my order. When I asked why, I was told Dell was afraid I was going to use the machine for illegal purposes. When I asked why someone would think that I was told it was because of the name of my business: "Weigand Combat Handguns Inc." Because I am involved in firearms I might be doing something illegal. Now keep in mind I was never called or informed of this decision, the order was just canceled. Many of you know me personally and know I run my business about as squeaky clean as possible. In addition being the President of the American Pistolsmiths Guild I am under additional scrutiny as to how I run my business, if I am not clean how can I be the President of an organization that promotes just that! I was informed by a Dell supervisor not long after all of this the reason I was refused was because of their post September 11th policy of screening buyers. I would like to respectfully ask the firearms community to do the following. If you intended to buy a Dell and because of this letter you now do not, email Dell and let them know why. Feel free to distribute this account to all you know in the firearms community, I think they need to know. I for one am sick and tired of people assuming just because we are involved with firearms that we are doing something illegal. I also do not believe Dell deserves our business if this is how they intend to treat us. God Bless, Jack Weigand President, American Pistolsmiths Guild Inc. [This story sounds like classic e-mail bullshit, but yer old pal Jerky has checked it out, and it's legit. One weird thing, though... the NRA doesn't seem to have a problem with it! - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com